Interlude - Who am I as a Teacher?
In my Spring classes at MSU, I have had to do more self-reflective work on my teaching and personal learning style than at any other time in my career. So it was with surprise that I read the McNiff article on using narrative as a way to reflect on your personal educational theory since I feel that is all I have been doing this semester. It has been a very personal semester and for some reason, that has made this journey seem “easier” to handle than previous semesters that were more theory heavy. The reading is definitely important, but for me, I am not a spring chicken anymore and since I am black, there is a bit of redundancy in learning about how to properly engage African American boys and women. Sit down, talk to them, learn their interests, teach to them. It’s not hard. We aren’t some foreign species, but that’s the way it seems that many literacy academics treat “urban youths.”
It’s interesting how much of my upbringing is reflected in my teaching style and philosophy. I’m not a young teacher anymore, but I am constantly influenced by things in my youth, my love of history, my inspiration from my mother, my world view as a middle-class, slightly bourgeoise African American woman, attending a black college, living overseas, traveling extensively, product of an HBCU, gamer, expatriate, experimenter. How I learn, why I learn, what motivates me to learn are all things that I want to reinforce with my students.
I have learned that I’m smart but lazy. Not lazy in my approach and willingness to be a good teacher and my dedication to teaching, but lazy in the paperwork, the prep work, the learning of new technology and the many apps and programs and…. And not because I want to be. It’s overwhelming. And I need to apologize to my students for not implementing the types of ideas that I want. Because I am extra and because it would take me days and hours to set up the type of classroom and learning environment that I want for one lesson - one forty-five minute lesson.
I feel like I’ve lost the thing that made me special as a teacher a long time ago, and I don’t know how to get it back. So that’s what I want to explore in my concluding post. I want to apologize to my students in the past for not being good enough; apologize to my students in the future for not being on my game currently; and to promise my future students that I will be a better version of myself.
I am at a crossroads in my life. More pertinent than ever. I am 42, a bit disillusioned, but I love teaching and I love my job, but I am constantly demoralized. I am going to approach my assignment this way, I think, to examine the changes that I want to make in my life regarding moving forward in teaching and how I am going to reconcile my laziness with my enthusiasm
Hi Shanna,
ReplyDeleteThanks for this. Yes, the reading was probably redundant for you. You have been on a tear this semester. But let's use this assignment, as you say, to gather some things together that are floating around in a few different posts.
I'm with you for the first two paragraphs. Then I start to worry about this idea of "lazy" and "apologizing." If you want to apologize to yourself, that is one thing. I mean, I don't know you, but it's hard for me to imagine you need to apologize to your students. Teachers all deserve apologies for putting up with these inhumane systems we try to work under.
I don't think Socrates or Buddha or Confucius or Jesus would apologize to their followers for not doing enough (ok, two of them died for their teachings, so they went above and beyond :) But it's not like any of these teachers spent hours creating plans. We teach who we are. That's the lesson behind curriculum--curriculum as a journey, a life's journey, our life's journey.
You list all of these interesting things that you are and that you want to share.
Part of this assignment is sharing with students the stories that make up your offerings--the things you want to teach. Part of this, though, in your case, is working through some regrets. We all have them. But I don't think they should drive at how you look at your success as a teacher. Find your teaching, offer your teaching, forget the rest.
That said, you approach this assignment how you want. Personally, I think righteous anger would be better than apology. It's up to you :)
Kyle